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Carole Robin

Episode #51

Co-founder at Leaders in Tech & Former Stanford GSB Professor

Leaders in Tech

👥Team & Culture🚀Career & Leadership🔍User Research

📝Full Transcript

14,704 words
Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:00): Many people told you your class at Stanford made them feel like their entire college tuition was worth it. Carole Robin (00:00:05): Even more rewarding for me are the, "I'm pretty sure your class just saved my marriage." Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:11): I want to talk about how to give feedback well. Carole Robin (00:00:12): I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings, and that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback. Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:19): How do you avoid people getting defensive? Carole Robin (00:00:22): Questions that start with what, when, where, how. Stay away from why. Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:25): I think it might be helpful to talk about this concept that you call the three realities. Carole Robin (00:00:28): We don't understand that we are only privy to two out of the three, so I know what's going on for me and I know what I did. I have no idea what happened on your end. Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:37): That's a really profound point that anger is a secondary emotion. Really what's going on is you're afraid or you're hurt. Carole Robin (00:00:43): What a disservice to not help people understand that anger is a distancing emotion and there are other emotions that are connecting. Lenny Rachitsky (00:00:54): Today my guest is Carole Robin. For over 20 years, Carole taught the legendary course at Stanford's Graduate School of Business, nicknamed Touchy Feely technically called Interpersonal Dynamics, which helps people learn how to build strong relationships and become much more effective leaders. She then went on to start a non-profit called Leaders in Tech, which brings these same lessons to leaders of high-tech growth companies, and she also wrote an incredibly impactful book called Connect, which distills all the key insights and lessons from her decades running this course. I've had so many friends go through the Stanford course or the Leaders in Tech program, and ev...

💡 Key Takeaways

  • 1Feedback fails when you cross the 'Net': You only know your intent and your behavior; you do not know the other person's reality.
  • 2Eliminate 'I feel that' and 'I feel like' from your vocabulary; these are thoughts and judgments masquerading as emotions, and they trigger defensiveness.
  • 3Anger is a secondary emotion that usually pushes people away; expressing the underlying fear or hurt draws people in and solves problems faster.
  • 4Apply the 15% Rule to vulnerability: disclose just 15% outside your comfort zone to build trust without being professionally inappropriate.
  • 5Stop asking 'Why' questions; they imply judgment. Switch to 'What,' 'Where,' 'When,' and 'How' to foster genuine inquiry.
  • 6Mental models formed early in careers (e.g., 'emotions don't belong at work') often become blockers for senior leadership roles.
  • 7Use the AFOG acronym (Another F***ing Opportunity For Growth) to instantly reframe failure into a learning mechanism.

📚Methodologies (3)

👥 Team & Culture

A framework that separates an interaction into three distinct realities to ensure feedback is fact-based and disputable. It forces the speaker to stay on 'their side of the net' by only discussing what they know to be true.

Core Principles

  • 1.Identify Reality #1 (Intent): Know that your internal intent is invisible to others.
  • 2.Identify Reality #2 (Behavior): Focus strictly on observable actions (what was said or done). This is the only shared reality.
  • 3.Identify Reality #3 (Impact): Acknowledge you do not know the other person's reality. Only speak to the impact their behavior had on you.
  • +2 more...

"I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings, and that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback."

#three#realities#feedback
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🚀 Career & Leadership

A risk-management heuristic for building trust. It encourages leaders to step slightly outside their 'Comfort Zone' into the 'Learning Zone' without entering the 'Danger Zone.'

Core Principles

  • 1.Visualize three concentric circles: Comfort Zone (center), Learning Zone (middle), Danger Zone (outer).
  • 2.Identify a piece of information or feeling you would normally withhold.
  • 3.Push yourself to share 15% more than feels naturally comfortable.
  • +2 more...

"If you step a little bit outside your comfort zone, you're very unlikely to freak yourself or the other person out... then we settle into a new, slightly larger comfort zone."

#disclosure#career#leadership
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🔍 User Research

A questioning technique designed to suspend judgment and elicit genuine information. It shifts the goal from confirming a hypothesis to a true 'quest' for understanding.

Core Principles

  • 1.Suspend Judgment: You cannot be curious if you have already decided what is happening.
  • 2.Ban the word 'Why': 'Why' questions trigger defensiveness (it sounds like parental scolding).
  • 3.Utilize the Reporter's Questions: Start questions exclusively with 'What', 'Where', 'When', and 'How'.
  • +2 more...

"Questions that start with what, when, where, how. Stay away from why."

#inquiry#protocol#research
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