The Three Realities Feedback Model
by Carole Robin • Co-founder at Leaders in Tech & Former Stanford GSB Professor at Leaders in Tech
Carole Robin taught the legendary 'Interpersonal Dynamics' (known as 'Touchy Feely') course at Stanford GSB for over 20 years. She is the co-author of 'Connect' and now runs Leaders in Tech, helping high-growth tech leaders build robust relationships and effective cultures.
🎙️ Episode Context
Carole Robin dismantles the myth that 'soft skills' are secondary in business, arguing that interpersonal competence is the primary driver of professional success. She provides a masterclass on giving feedback without causing defensiveness, the strategic use of vulnerability, and how to navigate the 'three realities' of human interaction. The episode offers a rigorous toolkit for product leaders to move relationships from transactional to exceptional.
Problem It Solves
Prevents the defensiveness and conflict that usually arises when giving critical feedback to team members or stakeholders.
Framework Overview
A framework that separates an interaction into three distinct realities to ensure feedback is fact-based and disputable. It forces the speaker to stay on 'their side of the net' by only discussing what they know to be true.
🧠 Framework Structure
Identify Reality #1 (Intent): Know th...
Identify Reality #2 (Behavior): Focus...
Identify Reality #3 (Impact): Acknowl...
Use the Formula: 'When you [Specific ...
Avoid 'Net Jumping': Never impute mot...
When to Use
During performance reviews, conflict resolution, or when a stakeholder's behavior is blocking product progress.
Common Mistakes
Using 'I feel that...' or 'I feel like...' followed by a judgment (e.g., 'I feel like you don't care'). This is an attribution, not a feeling.
Real World Example
Carole's student felt disrespected when she checked her watch. Instead of saying 'You are rude,' he said, 'When you looked at your watch while I was answering, I felt disrespected.'
I feel that you don't care and I feel you're being insensitive are not feelings, and that's where we make our biggest mistakes when it comes to feedback.
— Carole Robin